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Oct. 1st, 2005 12:30 amThere are just moments i feel at a loss and lost to boot. When i try to make something better, I admit faut and then apologise. then i am told of and set upon.
I am told I am a corrupter of innocent people. I never said, insult her, do this, that, and the other. I was arguing with one person. others then started on her out of loyalty to me. What can I do, not much, but everyone expects me to be able to control others
\I am somoen who sits and analyses everything I write huge posts not because I want to look bigger than the next person, but because for me to clarify and to understand myself I write long, and detailed replies, especially if someone wants an explination. Apparently I am wrong. I have my own board, not allowed to post about this there. Nor in my log on anther website. I feel hunted and hated. So here is my final decision. I give up on my friendships. Everyone I thought was and some who are my friends, I leave. I can't stand how I feel when people turn away, I hate the ripping I have, the desperation to appease, So I am getting off of this rollercoaster ride. Friendships just aren't worth it.
They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all, thats bullshit. Loving leads only to the darest pain. Rejection and pain is all I ever get, argument and anger and fingers pointed.
I asked for consideration. Not just because of a break up. I have other things going on. I got, don't play the victim. I wasn't. I got bitchy snide remarks, cause no one had cared or helped her out. So when I asked I copped it.
My father, he likes to scream at me if I don't jump to his orders, like feed the cat, do the laundry tidy my room, tidy the kitchen, the living room, pay my bills, cook my food, get my money. I used to do it to my mum, but she is dead, she died cause as she said, she couldn't afford to get ill, so she likely ignored what ever was wrong. And then right infront of me collapsed and died. And now I am trapped here.
My dad kept saying that Ricahrd my now ex boyfriend would wake up and see what a lazy bitch i were and dump me, now any argument I have he brings up that that is what he did. No wonder I am miserable. And the real kicker to this one is I can't get out. I am beholden to him. Trapped. I will never have the life I want. I will never marry, or have children or a great career. Because i am playing nursemaid to man, who plays his little problems up, and plays guilt games. and makes me insecureand feel aas though nothing is worht while.
I havelost so much. And when a small part of my life looks like it is disappearing I fight to keep it and try to write about it. even if it is the longest entry in history.Half the time i amtrying to write to make me understand, others I am just so confused and lost.
I dunno if I should F-Lock it or just leave it open, so its open til I get a better thought.
I am told I am a corrupter of innocent people. I never said, insult her, do this, that, and the other. I was arguing with one person. others then started on her out of loyalty to me. What can I do, not much, but everyone expects me to be able to control others
\I am somoen who sits and analyses everything I write huge posts not because I want to look bigger than the next person, but because for me to clarify and to understand myself I write long, and detailed replies, especially if someone wants an explination. Apparently I am wrong. I have my own board, not allowed to post about this there. Nor in my log on anther website. I feel hunted and hated. So here is my final decision. I give up on my friendships. Everyone I thought was and some who are my friends, I leave. I can't stand how I feel when people turn away, I hate the ripping I have, the desperation to appease, So I am getting off of this rollercoaster ride. Friendships just aren't worth it.
They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all, thats bullshit. Loving leads only to the darest pain. Rejection and pain is all I ever get, argument and anger and fingers pointed.
I asked for consideration. Not just because of a break up. I have other things going on. I got, don't play the victim. I wasn't. I got bitchy snide remarks, cause no one had cared or helped her out. So when I asked I copped it.
My father, he likes to scream at me if I don't jump to his orders, like feed the cat, do the laundry tidy my room, tidy the kitchen, the living room, pay my bills, cook my food, get my money. I used to do it to my mum, but she is dead, she died cause as she said, she couldn't afford to get ill, so she likely ignored what ever was wrong. And then right infront of me collapsed and died. And now I am trapped here.
My dad kept saying that Ricahrd my now ex boyfriend would wake up and see what a lazy bitch i were and dump me, now any argument I have he brings up that that is what he did. No wonder I am miserable. And the real kicker to this one is I can't get out. I am beholden to him. Trapped. I will never have the life I want. I will never marry, or have children or a great career. Because i am playing nursemaid to man, who plays his little problems up, and plays guilt games. and makes me insecureand feel aas though nothing is worht while.
I havelost so much. And when a small part of my life looks like it is disappearing I fight to keep it and try to write about it. even if it is the longest entry in history.Half the time i amtrying to write to make me understand, others I am just so confused and lost.
I dunno if I should F-Lock it or just leave it open, so its open til I get a better thought.
