Changes, continuations and healing
Feb. 10th, 2006 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelicalangieWell I have gotten sick of the page layout I have had for over a year on LJ and so decided to flit through the unpaid accountsthemes and designs and finally decided on the one I have (TAKE A GOD-DAMNED LOOK I DON'T REMEMBER THE NAME) Am considering gifting myslef a paid account and then may User pics will be used for different types of Entries! Oh lord how geeky eh!
Things between me and Mike are great, we have cut out the shit stirrer and life is now happy and quiet. I am still working through the shit that I brought up in my last entry, but I do see where it has affected in my life. I am rerminal about going to the dr for a smear test. Lord only knows how bad I would be at pre-natal care. I just can't get past the disrobing infront of someone who is specifically looking at my genitals with no emotion there ( another good reason why me and one night stands aren't going to happen)
It just evokes what happened to me far too much. It makes me really anxious and then want to tear litteraly myself apart. I feel dirty at the thoght of what happened. It wasn't innocent, it was manipulated and calous and she derived far more pleasure than I could have. Wow I do have some issues here! I know therapy is something I should look into, but gI keep thinking if I can get over this one physical exam I can get past it all. If I can show myself that it isn't a derogotory experience or negative and is completely mundane, then maybe I can cope better in the future, so i may ask a friend if she'll come and help me make the appointment. And then maybe look into getting therapy. See how that works.
Mike has atransfer job for the next 6 months at least which is sorta nice, he is looking to move down here and work for Somerfields though, which is the parent company. Currently the place he works at is shutting down, So they transfered him to a plce nearer to where he lives (awy from ex and her friends, as well as family) At least that will help. And he also has different hours !!
Life is looking ok at the moment. And if I can get past my past. I can achieve anythig. I wonder if this is the reason I have had such a learned helplessness thing going on?
Things between me and Mike are great, we have cut out the shit stirrer and life is now happy and quiet. I am still working through the shit that I brought up in my last entry, but I do see where it has affected in my life. I am rerminal about going to the dr for a smear test. Lord only knows how bad I would be at pre-natal care. I just can't get past the disrobing infront of someone who is specifically looking at my genitals with no emotion there ( another good reason why me and one night stands aren't going to happen)
It just evokes what happened to me far too much. It makes me really anxious and then want to tear litteraly myself apart. I feel dirty at the thoght of what happened. It wasn't innocent, it was manipulated and calous and she derived far more pleasure than I could have. Wow I do have some issues here! I know therapy is something I should look into, but gI keep thinking if I can get over this one physical exam I can get past it all. If I can show myself that it isn't a derogotory experience or negative and is completely mundane, then maybe I can cope better in the future, so i may ask a friend if she'll come and help me make the appointment. And then maybe look into getting therapy. See how that works.
Mike has atransfer job for the next 6 months at least which is sorta nice, he is looking to move down here and work for Somerfields though, which is the parent company. Currently the place he works at is shutting down, So they transfered him to a plce nearer to where he lives (awy from ex and her friends, as well as family) At least that will help. And he also has different hours !!
Life is looking ok at the moment. And if I can get past my past. I can achieve anythig. I wonder if this is the reason I have had such a learned helplessness thing going on?
